The New Vak 425 Pathetic Joke Corner

[Over Pasanens Head]

Breaking News !

There is a security alert at Liverpool John Lennon Airport. Police are investigating a suspicious vehicle.

It is taxed, insured, had its hub caps and the radio hasn't been nicked

[The Purple Cow]

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

[carcajou]

A father propounds a riddle to his son:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
the kid knit his brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
"A herring," said the father.
"A herring," he echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" the kid protested.
"Paint it."
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If it's just been painted it's still wet."
"But -- " the kid sputtered, summoning all his outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled the father. "I just put that in to make it hard."

Priceless.

[The Purple Cow]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

[The Purple Cow]

Two hobos chatting under a tree, one telling the other of his most recent escapade.

'I found a lady strapped to the train tracks and untied her. I carried her off to a nearby copse and we made sweet, passionate love'.

'Yeah ?' replied his mate, 'What'd she look like ?'.

[Thoughtfully] '...Dunno. I never did find her head'

[Manneken Pis]

Ugliest Football Shirts: The Hall of Shame


http://www.footballshirthallofshame.com/

[DanK]

Ugliest Football Shirts: The Hall of Shame


http://www.footballshirthallofshame.com/

LMAO. I had that Blue Ajax shirt and loved it.

The Australian 'snot rag' top was blood awful. I tried to block it from memory. Yuk!

[Manneken Pis]

This is very very funny (if you follow English football a little)....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg5HsG7AN1Y

[Tom_]

Or if you've seen Downfall. Great stuff

[Philippe]

You got to love this guy.. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his newfather-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man .
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm out.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $3 2 ,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

[DanK]

This is a funny "story", but I remember hearing about this 15 years or so ago for the first time, and then it was a "friend of a friend" wedding.

Not saying it didn't happen, but I think this is just one of those stories, and "old wives tales" as it were.

[Manneken Pis]

Ok ok let's lighten the heavy transfer discussion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq1lYil3eyo

[The Purple Cow]

This is a funny "story", but I remember hearing about this 15 years or so ago for the first time, and then it was a "friend of a friend" wedding.

Not saying it didn't happen, but I think this is just one of those stories, and "old wives tales" as it were.

Correct, this is an urban myth. It's been doing the rounds since 1985, and has never been featured on Leno.

Here's the story...

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp

[The Purple Cow]

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems
with my hearing."

Doctor: "What are the symptoms?"

Patient: "They're those yellow people on TV."



**


"I got stung by a bee yesterday.
£20 for a jar of honey? Outrageous."


**

Q: What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out
your underpants?

A: Your mother.

[SE6Ajacied]

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[Manneken Pis]

What is she talking about?


http://www.maniacworld.com/what-is-she- ... about.html

[SE6Ajacied]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco's with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The nasty woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

[Amol]

I don't know where else to put this, but

De middenvelder liep afgelopen zondag tegen Heerenveen

translates to

The middenvelder ran last Sunday against lord peat a lord shaking thing

[Philippe]

what about this one : www.afca.nl ?

[Manneken Pis]

As we're all miserable at the moment, here's something to lighten the mood.

In England there is one darts commentator that has taken commentating to a high art form. His name is Sid Waddell and here is a selection of his quotes:



"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaahhhhh, Bristow."

"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."

"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed"

"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a waterbuffalo with a
pea-shooter"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips...
you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the
windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck
out"

"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna."

"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"

"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome"

"His face is sagging with tension."

"The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board."

"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians
to the Lions."

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

"John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the
Persians"

"I get the same effect when I see Steve Davis, I just see two letters... C
& S... Cue Sorceror"

"By the time of the final on Sunday he should be fit to burst!"

"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"

"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"

"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap,

Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true
roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."

"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the
cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing
athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were
no more worlds to conquer... Bristow's only 27."

"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in
Essex."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone
home."

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll
have to play outta their essence!"

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall
body strength."

"There's no one quicker than these two tungsten t_ossers..."

"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas
Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham Super League"

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet... and he's in a darts
orbit!"

"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a
choo-choo train!"

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

"One hundred and eighty, divided by three, is one dart at a time"

"If you had to throw a knife at your wife in the circus, you'd want to
throw it like that"

[The Purple Cow]

So Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates.

St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through'.

Pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, it's from the Pope.'

St Peter opens it up and reads it, and it says...

'Hi Pete, here's that tenor I owe you'

<kaboom - tish>

[sgordo]

As we're all miserable at the moment, here's something to lighten the mood.

In England there is one darts commentator that has taken commentating to a high art form. His name is Sid Waddell and here is a selection of his quotes:

Here's an American version of Sid Waddell, baseball player Yogi Berra:

Yogi Berra Quotes

Yogi Berra's second claim to fame is for being one of the most quoted figures in the sports world. He is credited with coining the deceptively simplistic observation, "It ain't over till it's over." But he's also known for his flubs. Here is a collection of the most notorious of these.

# "This is like deja vu all over again."

# "You can observe a lot just by watching."

# "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

# "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

# "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

# "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

# "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

# "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

# "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

# "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

# "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

# "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

# "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

# "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

# "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

# "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

# "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

# "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

# Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

# "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

# "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

# "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

# "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

# "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

# "I made a wrong mistake."

# "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

# "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

# "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

# "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

# "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

# "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

# "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

# "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

# "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

# "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

# "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

# "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

# "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

# "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

# "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

# "I didn't really say everything I said."

[Manneken Pis]

A very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours, including Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and
oysters at the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft Man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its' ass!

Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, Throwing
punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish.

Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."

"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You Won the
bet.", "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?"

Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then
what do you want?"

And Jimmy said, "I just want the name of the f###er who pushed me in the pool."

[666]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched for the farmer, but to no avail, he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friends life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but, happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmers bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented, Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon, he too, bagan to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life.

The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!!!!!!

[SE6Ajacied]

A youth is walking down the road with his mother, throwing a fifty pence coin in the air and catching it again.

Suddenly he bumps into a passer by and the coin goes down his throat, choking him.

His mother is frantic as her son begins to turn blue from choking, crying out for a doctor or for someone who can help her son when a woman appears suddenly in front of them, approaches the distressed teenager and grabs him by the balls.

She gives a few sharp tugs and squeezes and suddenly the coin flys back out of his throat, the lad is recovered almost instantly.

Mother, amazed and gratified, cries out in relief, asking the mysterious stranger whether she is a doctor or some kind of spiritual healer or something.

















Oh no says the woman, I work for the income tax department.