An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a
young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod.
Was she pretty?"
"Dunno. Never found the head."
The New Vak 425 Pathetic Joke Corner
Moderators: ajaxusa, Kowalczyk, mods
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man
says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then
proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my
wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused
and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well,
in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go •••• herself."
gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man
says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then
proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my
wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused
and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well,
in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go •••• herself."
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie. Tonto dismounts and puts his ear to the ground. He looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Buffalo come."
"Wow, that's amazing!", exclaims the Lone Ranger. "How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Ear sticky!"
"Wow, that's amazing!", exclaims the Lone Ranger. "How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Ear sticky!"
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
-
666
- Site Admin
- Berichten: 7077
- Lid geworden op: vr sep 26, 2003 9:12 pm
- Locatie: vak 122 in de showroom van Handelshuis Ajax N.V.
- Contacteer:
Man to doctor: "Doctor me wants to git castrated." "Are you sure?" says the doctor with a look of horror on his face. "Damn right I is sure." "But why? Don't you think you shou-" "Cuz I met this fuckin hot chick and she'n'me we's go an' git married, but only if I is to git castrated, that's why."
"I'm sorry but I can not do this," says the doctor. "Well, then I'm gonna git me a knive and go do it in the bathroom. Anything to marry my Betsy cuz she's fuckin hot!"
Realizing that the man will probably kill himself if he tries that, the doctor reluctantly performs the requested surgery.
When the patient wakes up, the doctor asks him why his girlfriend wants him castrated before marrying him. "Cuz Betsy she say it makes sex waaaaaaaaay better! Anything for my Betsy cuz she's fuckin hot!" "Uhm, I'm afraid it does no-" "Damn yeah it does." the man cuts in. "My Betsy she say all them jewish man they is castrated and they breed like fuckin rabbits!"
"Ah, I see where you're mistaken. Jewish men are not castrated, they are circumsized." The man smiles happily and says "Wow thank you doctor! Damn word was right on the tip-a my tongue all day long."
__________________________________
Japanese doctor: "Medicine in Japan is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for a job in six weeks."
German doctor: "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for a job in four weeks."
British doctor: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one chap, put it in another, and have them both looking for a job in two weeks!
Texan doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for a job."
__________________________________
This is no yankee-bashing. Really. I'd love to be like you!
---
My American Heroes,
I am desperately trying to become a great American but I am having a few problems and was wondering if you could help ... you see, I try to talk as loud and obnoxiously as possible but I find it hard as it hurts my throat after a while. Also, when patronizing people from other countries with questions like ‘Do you guys have shops over there?’ and ‘Oh you’re from Denmark, that’s the capital of Switzerland isn’t it?’ I do find that I sound rather stupid and ignorant, is this a problem or just part of the ‘whole deal of it’?
Another thing ... I need some advise on clothing. I do find that I fall over lots when wearing jeans that are eight sizes too big for me but then I guess this could also be due to the fact that I can’t see properly due to the sunglasses that I wear all the time. This of course gets worse at night. Couldn’t you invent a pair that looks dark from the outside but clear from within?
I am however making great progress on the transport side of things; I now never walk further than my car which is now parked in my living room and I have upgraded it to a 10.7 liter automatic.
Adapting to American Cuisine took some effort, but now that I learned how to wash those hot dogs away with Bud and Miller Lite I'm ready to advance to the next level. Big Macs beware, I am not afraid of you anymore! I'm sure the healthy sixty pounds I gained recently will help me fit in. I promise I will add the remaining 40 pounds before the end of the year. Although I am not sure it will solve my difficulties with the oversized jeans completely, it should take care of the horizontal dimension.
Linguistically I am also leaping forward. I insist on irritating everyone I know by calling petrol stations ‘gas stations,’ bonnets of cars ‘hoods,’ and motorways ‘freeways’. I've learned to write 'teh' and 'wierd,' I say 'nucular' and 'aw gee,' and I stopped using the correct spelling of 'aluminium'. I don't say 'like' as much as you like yet, but I'm, like, working on it.
If we ever get a fair election system here I fully intend to vote for the most stupid, arrogant, inbred son of a bush, err bitch that I can find, so you can see that all is not lost with me.
One day, when this humble land we call Europe develops electricity and running hot water, I hope that we can invite some of you over to share your delightful culture with us.
Have a nice day!
"I'm sorry but I can not do this," says the doctor. "Well, then I'm gonna git me a knive and go do it in the bathroom. Anything to marry my Betsy cuz she's fuckin hot!"
Realizing that the man will probably kill himself if he tries that, the doctor reluctantly performs the requested surgery.
When the patient wakes up, the doctor asks him why his girlfriend wants him castrated before marrying him. "Cuz Betsy she say it makes sex waaaaaaaaay better! Anything for my Betsy cuz she's fuckin hot!" "Uhm, I'm afraid it does no-" "Damn yeah it does." the man cuts in. "My Betsy she say all them jewish man they is castrated and they breed like fuckin rabbits!"
"Ah, I see where you're mistaken. Jewish men are not castrated, they are circumsized." The man smiles happily and says "Wow thank you doctor! Damn word was right on the tip-a my tongue all day long."
__________________________________
Japanese doctor: "Medicine in Japan is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for a job in six weeks."
German doctor: "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for a job in four weeks."
British doctor: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one chap, put it in another, and have them both looking for a job in two weeks!
Texan doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for a job."
__________________________________
This is no yankee-bashing. Really. I'd love to be like you!
---
My American Heroes,
I am desperately trying to become a great American but I am having a few problems and was wondering if you could help ... you see, I try to talk as loud and obnoxiously as possible but I find it hard as it hurts my throat after a while. Also, when patronizing people from other countries with questions like ‘Do you guys have shops over there?’ and ‘Oh you’re from Denmark, that’s the capital of Switzerland isn’t it?’ I do find that I sound rather stupid and ignorant, is this a problem or just part of the ‘whole deal of it’?
Another thing ... I need some advise on clothing. I do find that I fall over lots when wearing jeans that are eight sizes too big for me but then I guess this could also be due to the fact that I can’t see properly due to the sunglasses that I wear all the time. This of course gets worse at night. Couldn’t you invent a pair that looks dark from the outside but clear from within?
I am however making great progress on the transport side of things; I now never walk further than my car which is now parked in my living room and I have upgraded it to a 10.7 liter automatic.
Adapting to American Cuisine took some effort, but now that I learned how to wash those hot dogs away with Bud and Miller Lite I'm ready to advance to the next level. Big Macs beware, I am not afraid of you anymore! I'm sure the healthy sixty pounds I gained recently will help me fit in. I promise I will add the remaining 40 pounds before the end of the year. Although I am not sure it will solve my difficulties with the oversized jeans completely, it should take care of the horizontal dimension.
Linguistically I am also leaping forward. I insist on irritating everyone I know by calling petrol stations ‘gas stations,’ bonnets of cars ‘hoods,’ and motorways ‘freeways’. I've learned to write 'teh' and 'wierd,' I say 'nucular' and 'aw gee,' and I stopped using the correct spelling of 'aluminium'. I don't say 'like' as much as you like yet, but I'm, like, working on it.
If we ever get a fair election system here I fully intend to vote for the most stupid, arrogant, inbred son of a bush, err bitch that I can find, so you can see that all is not lost with me.
One day, when this humble land we call Europe develops electricity and running hot water, I hope that we can invite some of you over to share your delightful culture with us.
Have a nice day!
Sign your name on
the dotted line:
.............................
the dotted line:
.............................
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.
He
sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to eat
that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young
wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the
young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts
spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a
rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately
pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep,
that's
as far as I got, too".
He
sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to eat
that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young
wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the
young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts
spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a
rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately
pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep,
that's
as far as I got, too".
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval "When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after
me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some CocoPops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,"but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval "When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after
me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some CocoPops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,"but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
Training courses for women...
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No
Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making
Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores
Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in
the Bathroom Cabinet too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last
Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before
Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What
you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN
Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and
Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for
Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict
Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You
Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural
Occurrence Only Women notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All
Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only,
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No
Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making
Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores
Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in
the Bathroom Cabinet too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last
Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before
Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What
you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN
Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and
Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for
Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict
Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You
Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural
Occurrence Only Women notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All
Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only,
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
-
Manneken Pis
- Berichten: 1331
- Lid geworden op: do feb 03, 2005 4:29 pm
- Locatie: Brussels
A man is walking down the street when a tramp walks up to him.
"Excuse me mister, can you spare £10 so that I can get myself a decent meal" says the tramp.
"Ha! You will only spend it on booze." responds the man.
"Sir, I haven't drunk a drop of alcohol for many years." says the tramp devoutly.
"Well then you'll just spend it on the horses" retorts the man.
"Sir, I have recognised the evils of gambling, and no longer waste my money on it" states the tramp firmly.
"You could just spend it on going to the football" says the man.
"Oh Sir, I gave up going to the football twenty years ago" says the tramp, laughing gently.
"OK, how do I know you won't spend it in the red light district on a prositute" asks the man.
"Sir, why would I throw away £10 for a fleeting pleasure, when I could catch Aids?" answers the tramp seriously.
"Fair enough" says the man "Here's what I'll do, I invite you to my house tonight for a gourmet dinner so that you can eat well".
"But Sir" responds the tramp "Why would you tarnish your beautiful house by letting me enter it? Look at me; I'm filthy, I stink, your wife will be apalled".
"That's the whole point" says the man "I want my wife to see what happens when you give up booze, gambling, football and sex!!!!!!!!"
:yes:
"Excuse me mister, can you spare £10 so that I can get myself a decent meal" says the tramp.
"Ha! You will only spend it on booze." responds the man.
"Sir, I haven't drunk a drop of alcohol for many years." says the tramp devoutly.
"Well then you'll just spend it on the horses" retorts the man.
"Sir, I have recognised the evils of gambling, and no longer waste my money on it" states the tramp firmly.
"You could just spend it on going to the football" says the man.
"Oh Sir, I gave up going to the football twenty years ago" says the tramp, laughing gently.
"OK, how do I know you won't spend it in the red light district on a prositute" asks the man.
"Sir, why would I throw away £10 for a fleeting pleasure, when I could catch Aids?" answers the tramp seriously.
"Fair enough" says the man "Here's what I'll do, I invite you to my house tonight for a gourmet dinner so that you can eat well".
"But Sir" responds the tramp "Why would you tarnish your beautiful house by letting me enter it? Look at me; I'm filthy, I stink, your wife will be apalled".
"That's the whole point" says the man "I want my wife to see what happens when you give up booze, gambling, football and sex!!!!!!!!"
:yes:
“If I wanted you to understand it, I would have explained it better.”
-
Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and
goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and
goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
-
jock cloggie
- Berichten: 19
- Lid geworden op: do feb 03, 2005 5:50 pm
- Locatie: edinburgh
Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester.
>
>Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its
mouth
>around the kids neck.
>
>The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the
sticks
>they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and
using
>all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend
is
>saved.
>
>This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possible
national
>headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
>"That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan
risks
>life to save best friend'"
>
>"But I don't follow United" says the kid
>
>"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save
his
>pal'"
>
>"But I don't follow City either" says the kid
>
>"Well who do you support" asks the reporter
>
>"Liverpool" he says
>
>"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse b@stard murders family pet"
>
>
>Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its
mouth
>around the kids neck.
>
>The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the
sticks
>they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and
using
>all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend
is
>saved.
>
>This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possible
national
>headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
>"That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan
risks
>life to save best friend'"
>
>"But I don't follow United" says the kid
>
>"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save
his
>pal'"
>
>"But I don't follow City either" says the kid
>
>"Well who do you support" asks the reporter
>
>"Liverpool" he says
>
>"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse b@stard murders family pet"
>
-
Manneken Pis
- Berichten: 1331
- Lid geworden op: do feb 03, 2005 4:29 pm
- Locatie: Brussels
Various bits and bobs........
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.
“If I wanted you to understand it, I would have explained it better.”
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AsgAarD_xxx
- Berichten: 552
- Lid geworden op: vr apr 22, 2005 9:04 am
- Locatie: Piaseczno, Poland
- Contacteer:
EDIT from Menno:
That's alright: we appreciate your contributions. But I must say you did refer to the black person in your joke in a rather... let's say 'unfortunate' way. I know you didn't mean it that way and it wasn't a racist joke as such (so, no offense taken) but I did decide to delete it. I hope you understand.
That's alright: we appreciate your contributions. But I must say you did refer to the black person in your joke in a rather... let's say 'unfortunate' way. I know you didn't mean it that way and it wasn't a racist joke as such (so, no offense taken) but I did decide to delete it. I hope you understand.
Laatst gewijzigd door AsgAarD_xxx op vr apr 29, 2005 9:26 am, 2 keer totaal gewijzigd.
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Over Pasanens Head
- Berichten: 829
- Lid geworden op: do nov 06, 2003 2:45 pm
- Locatie: Not Where He Would Like To Be
PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS
A recent magazine survey interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered.
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK ...
BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.
WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.
CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get runk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......
IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
JACK DANIELS
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
A recent magazine survey interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered.
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK ...
BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.
WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.
CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get runk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......
IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
JACK DANIELS
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
Well rock and roll is such a crazy drug,
It wraps you up in a great big hug
It wraps you up in a great big hug
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The Purple Cow
- Berichten: 448
- Lid geworden op: vr nov 07, 2003 11:03 am
- Locatie: Nantwich
- Contacteer:
Yeah,Kowalczyk schreef: So, you live with a water drinker, too...
K.
I'm alcohol and she's water. I'm football she's handball. She's exercise I'm TV.....She's rich - I'm poor :xyxthumbs:
I guess something is right since we've lived together for well over five years now!
Why do you build me up? BUTTERCUP!
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SE6Ajacied
- Berichten: 2437
- Lid geworden op: wo mar 23, 2005 1:14 pm
- Locatie: Still quite close to London SE6
I have this situation too - perhaps she's rich though as you spend all the money on beer and she just drinks water? ;)Per schreef:Yeah,Kowalczyk schreef: So, you live with a water drinker, too...
K.
I'm alcohol and she's water......She's rich - I'm poor :xyxthumbs:
Definately not the case with me though......(hic) :bier: :bier:
Forza Haarlem. HFC Gone but not forgotten!
-
AsgAarD_xxx
- Berichten: 552
- Lid geworden op: vr apr 22, 2005 9:04 am
- Locatie: Piaseczno, Poland
- Contacteer:
AsgAarD_xxx schreef:EDIT from Menno:
That's alright: we appreciate your contributions. But I must say you did refer to the black person in your joke in a rather... let's say 'unfortunate' way. I know you didn't mean it that way and it wasn't a racist joke as such (so, no offense taken) but I did decide to delete it. I hope you understand.
As you wrote, I didn't want to hurt anyone, but (unfortunately) I probably did it :sad: . I would like to apologise for writing this joke and I promise it was first and the last time...
-
AsgAarD_xxx
- Berichten: 552
- Lid geworden op: vr apr 22, 2005 9:04 am
- Locatie: Piaseczno, Poland
- Contacteer:
