The New Vak 425 Pathetic Joke Corner

[SE6Ajacied]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took
off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his
shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock," The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".


The Second Affair...
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough,delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


The Third Affair...
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he Examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated,he made an Amazing discovery.
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his
tools to remove the dead man's scaling.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something
to Show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Fourth Affair...
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him
with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I
got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."


The Fifth Affair...
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar And
asks for a beer. Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?",
exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "Four cents," the bartender
replies.
"Four Cents?",exclaimed the man. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The Bartender replies, "The same thing as I'm doing with his business."

:D

[Over Pasanens Head]

A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

And she said - "Well I didn't feel a thing!"

[Kowalczyk]

Kilroy started a special thread for this one... I deleted that thread and re-posted it here. No offense, Kilroy. We try to keep this forum a bit organized. We have one thread for all your jokes and stuff, namely: this one.

:xyxthumbs:

Idle thoughts from the mind of a semi-retired person:

--I planted some bird seed A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

--I had amnesia once--or twice.

--I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?

--Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

--All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

--If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

--What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

--They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

--Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

--Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

--Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

--One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

--A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

--My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

--I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

--The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

--How can there be self-help "groups"?

--If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

--Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

--Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

K.

[Over Pasanens Head]

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear.
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying
to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter
came home with her date.
After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then pushed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow, really hard. When the father blew, the peanut popped out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled with happiness. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you thinkhe's going to be when he grows up?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!".


__________________

[Over Pasanens Head]

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Downing Street.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He
learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his
jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's
eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five quid!"

[Philippe]

;)

[Over Pasanens Head]

Ted walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50
HAND JOB: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to a meager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers Ted, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

[666]

Medical school, autopsy 101, first lecture

Professor: "There are exactly two things that are crucial in autopsy.
First, you have to be able to overcome your feeling of being disgusted. Look here !".

In plain horror the students watch as the professor drives his finger into the rectum of a dead body and licks off his finger.
Even more horrified they hear "And now you will do exactly the same thing, one after the other".

After being finished with that the very pale crowd hears:
"And the second thing in autopsy that is extremely important is about sharpening your sense of observation and watch very, very closely. Because I drove in my index finger but licked off my middle finger !"

[English Eagle]

I dont know if this has come up before but please click on this link with your speakers turned on.

http://stokecityfc.org.uk/StokeChat/vie ... php?t=1949

[Over Pasanens Head]

Stutter
(*groan*)

Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.

They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi................." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman..

"Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui....."

Then the Scotsman tries..

"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th........"

"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady, and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are now ready to order.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi......" stutters the Englishman

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui...." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts.. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th......"

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a chat. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I"ll let you sh*g me".

Quite confident that nobody will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch, Manch..."

"No, you lose" says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?" trying not to laugh.

"E E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb....."

"Sorry, you lose" says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh bugger!" says the landlady.

A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra - exposing a fantastic pair of jugs.

Finally she slides off her panties and then climbs into bed. Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory and then, right at the climaxing stoke, he suddenly screams out....

"............... D D D D D D D Derry!

[Over Pasanens Head]

Cowboy Boots
Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home,walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked, except for the boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says,
"Roy, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Roy yells,
"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, shoulda bought a hat."

[Over Pasanens Head]

Top Tips
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[Over Pasanens Head]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks.......... ''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

[Manneken Pis]

Not sure where to put this, as it's funny I chose here:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003 ... iew-p1.php

[The Purple Cow]

Q. What's blue and smells like red paint?

A. Blue paint.

[bryan]

Crooks broke into the Police station last night and stole all the toilet seats.

The police have nothing to go on.

[Frans]

Two former big game hunters Sir Algernon Fonsonby and Lord
Fotheringham were having lunch at their club.
"I say old man," said Sir Algernon, "I do believe the word
is spelled w-o-o-m-b."
"No, no, Algie old bean. It is spelt w-o-m-m-b."
"Begging your pardon, gentlemen," said the waiter who happened
to overhear, "I believe the word is spelled w-o-m-b."
"Well, old chap," said Sir Algernon, "It is quite clear that this chappie
has never been to Africa and heard an elephant fart underwater."

[Over Pasanens Head]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

[ZoefdeHaas]

What do you call an Italian with rubber toes?

Roberto

[English Eagle]

Irish man goes for an interview at a blacksmiths.The blacksmith asks if he'd ever shoed a horse."No",says the Irish man,"but i one told a donkey to f*%k off!".

[The Purple Cow]

Q: What did the mummy buffalo say to her
child as he left for school?

A: Bison.

[bryan]

Hmm... I don't get the horse joke.

2 tonnes of concrete were stolen from the cement factory last night.

The police are looking for hardened criminals.

[carcajou]

Hmm... I don't get the horse joke.

2 tonnes of concrete were stolen from the cement factory last night.

The police are looking for hardened criminals.

That's good for you... Cause I don't understand the 3 jokes preceding yours.

[Over Pasanens Head]

Clever Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[Over Pasanens Head]

ROTTERDAM AD - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a
Rotterdam courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out
that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and
confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to
Feyenoord Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of
beating anyone.