HULLO JUST THOUGHT I WOULD SAY HI FROM GLASGOW AND GIVE THE AJAX BOYS ALL THE BEST FOR THE NEW YEAR.

----------GLASGOW RANGERS-----------AJAX--------- :headbang: :xyxthumbs: --

Hi, welcome and the same to you! :xyxthumbs:

How is Shota doing?

Vak425 from Ajax-USA here just letting you know of the change in name. Have been registered on here for a fair amount of time now under Over Pasanens Head in celebration (not) of his display in the CL quarter final in Milan.

Is there any truth in the rumour that they closed the old site down due to the crappy jokes in the Vak425 thread?

Let's say it's a persistent rumour.... :D

Good to see you, mate. You know what? Let's make this thread the new Vak 425 joke corner. Right now! You are entitled to a place where you can post your terrible jokes.

:eusa_dance:

I am with you on this one but what a disaster with all of those wonderfully created witicisms lost forever. :nooo:
What is even worse it appears that Pizza 5's rant about ManUre is also lost forever - now thats what I call a real disaster.

There's plenty of ManUre in googles cache.

First, sign your name on the dotted line:




...................................................


Then start digging:

http://66.102.9.104/search?q=cache:fyFb ... wall&hl=en


When google purges its cache it's really gone, so start copy/pasting before they clean out the ManUre.

Jeezzz... It's all there!

Didn't even know that Google cache thing existed...

Amazing.

Judging from this Google cache, I think Pizza5 and Doc Livingstoned will get along nicely :yes:

This Google cache thing is not forever? Or is it?

So copy and paste it. :D

:headbang: The joke corner is back!! It really does feel like our shingle has gone up on the wall and we're open for business. HOME SWEET HOME!

The Devil's Advocate is playing judge?!?



Judging from Kowalczyks signature, it won't be long before Lucas asks him out for dinner, a movie, ...

Ko seems to be a sophisticated guy with a very good taste. Although very rare, not a good reason to ask him to dinner,,,

OK here we go - one for our colonial friends across the pond and one for everybody to assess the quality of this thread:-

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of loom." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, nowg craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she
did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your problem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I eva see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"


Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your ass."

OK, in a topic with the word Pathetic the first on to reaspond is... joey. That says it all doesnt it? ;)

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast!"

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Since no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t.

Joke from Erith Town matchday programme
This was printed in last night's match programme for the Erith Town v Ramsgate game. That's the programme, not a fanzine.

"The Italian government commissioned a study to find out why the head of a man’s penis is wider than its shaft. The study took two years and cost over 180,000,000,000 Lire. The results of the study confirmed that the reason the head of a man’s penis is wider is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

"After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the Italian study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of 250,000,000 Francs they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

"When the results of the French study were released, the English didn’t really trust the Italian or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approximately 36 quid, the English study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!!!"

Things not to say in a gay bar

Number 81: "Excuse me, would you mind if I pushed your stool in?"

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.” Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did." "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me." "He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

Soccerpages appears to be back up, although with the majority of its traffic having been directed here, I'm not sure how long it will last. Best to retrieve the brilliance of the old joke page while you still can.

http://soccerpages.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11085

The Return Of The Neville Diary
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday
I'm so angry at the injustice. I haven't been this angry since Sir said Liam Miller could put out the cones. I would put on a balaclava and protest but it would spoil my moustache. How can the greatest club in the whole wide world ever be worth only £800m? According to my calculations using my mum's protractor and compass, I alone am worth at least £55m. Sir is worth £132m while Keano is worth around £4m, Weasley Brown is worth £200 and Silly Billy Philly would fetch around 45p.

I hope the police don't trace the threats. I put on a Darth Vader voice and a dirty Scouse accent and dialled 141 first so I should be safe. If I am arrested I will call Sir and he will come and rescue me like in that film mum let me stay up and watch at Christmas as long as I had a wee before I put on my jim-jams.

I hate international duty. I don't see Sir for three whole days. But I do see David :-) and I like his new hair. I tried to touch it at training. He mentioned the police. I'm scared in case he knows.


Wednesday
Everybody agrees (mum and Phil, after a Chinese burn) that I was easily the best player against Holland, though Wayne was also brilliant, David was as beautiful and elegant as ever and Weasley was the second-best defender for England (though he's only the seventh-best defender at the greatest club in the whole wide world). The most rubbish were Shaun Wright-Phillips (blue scum), Jamie Carragher (scouse), Steven Gerrard (really scouse) and Ashley Cole (Arse-nal scum).

I'm angry though as I told Sven not to pick nobody players from nothing teams that nobody has heard of and he still played a boy called Stewart and one called Alan or Alex or something. I have refused to speak to them all week until they join a proper club. I still don't understand why Ryan and Gabriel and Ruud can't play for England. It's racism and that's why we wore the anti-racism shirts. I think.


Thursday
I am bringing down the whole Nike empire. That will teach them to turn down the chance to sign Gary Neville as their pin-up boy. I could have been the face of Nike. I could have made them the biggest sports company in the whole wide world ever but by the end of the week they will be nothing. And I will laugh. And so will Phil. And so will mum. And Diadora Kia-Ora will give me an even bigger contract.

They didn't even reply to my letters and phone calls and e-mails and personal visits - even though my 'Gary: The History Man' concept was brilliant. What more could they want but football's most dynamic man/boy dressed only in Nike shorts and posing as some of the greatest men in history - Charlie Chaplin, Lord Kitchener, Adolf Hitler, Jesus...

I would even have lost the Nike shorts if it was artistic. Though I wouldn't pose with girls because everyone knows girls smell.


Friday
I saw Sir today and I was so excited I almost made a sex wee. But then Rio said he was now Sir's favourite because he didn't go and play for England and then I felt sick. I should have listened when Sir took me, Phil, Wayne and Rio in his office last week and asked us 12 times if we felt a little bit poorly or sore. I thought he was just being nice, but now Rio gets to carry his hip flask :-(

No calls from the police. Maybe I should shave off my moustache as it's a really distinguishing feature. I live in fear of turning on the TV to hear 'Manchester Police are looking for a handsome, clever man/boy with a bushy moustache in connection with threats against nasty Malcolm Glazier, who doesn't understand that the greatest club in the whole wide world ever is worth zillions and gazillions because they have players like the brilliant Gary Neville'.


Saturday
Cried myself to sleep because everyone is still laughing that Keano says he had to rescue me from Patricia Vieira. Rio thought it was funny to give me a whistle so I could call Keano if I was ever picked on by girls and I even caught Phil laughing. So I told Sir that I heard him singing an Oasis song which means that he is definitely maybe a blue scum fan.

Walked past JJBs today and there were some Nike trainers on sale. Ha. Their downfall has begun.


Sunday
'And the brilliant Gary Neville - hero of the United fans and the man the City fans love to hate because they know he's the best and they're really jealous - crossed the ball for Wayne Rooney to score as the only team in Manchester triumphed again. Is there no end to what this man/boy can do? All hail Neville and his fantastic, bushy moustache'.

I was brilliant. And I looked really hard on the telly because I called Robbie Fowler names, and then didn't pick up the ball when Keggy Keegle passed it to me. That will teach anyone who thinks that I need Keano (though I did have that whistle in my sock in case Danny Mills was in a nasty mood) to fight my battles. I didn't need Keano to bring down Nike, did I?


Monday
No cards for me :-( - though I know the post from Spain is very unreliable because I've only ever had one postcard from David and someone - probably a jealous postman - had written naughty words on it and drawn pictures of winkies.

Hope Sir likes his card. Mum let me use cow glue.

Rotterdam Olympic Bid
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2012, the organizers of Rotterdam's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy of which was leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large frittes van situated on the roof of the Stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Rotterdam's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, @@@@@@@s, hedges, garden fences, walls etc).

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages deliveryman.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Nord Sea. The first three survivor's back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Rotterdam.


THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Rotterdam Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Rotterdam Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

too late for Valentines day..


My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
> Henny Youngman
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
> Rodney Dangerfield
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
> Milton Berle
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
> George Burns
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
> Phyllis Diller
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
> Henny Youngman
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
> got myself two
> girlfriends.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
> report it since
> the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
> millionaire."
> "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
> "A
> billionaire." she replied,
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,"
> Dad!
> I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So
> what do you
> want? Sympathy?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost
> impossible.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
> can spend. A
> successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
> They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing
> your parachute.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.


__________________